Talk:North Korean leader Kim Jong Un inaugurates the "Defence Development Exhibition 'Self-Defence-2021'"

Unverified information
Kim Yo Jong can be seen in the last source at the 10:28 timestamp, behind a military official. The Three Revolution Exhibiton House being guided by Kim Jong Il is something I read in Kim Jong Il's biography, which I forgot to add as a source. Here is a quote from the biography: "He took steps for model units in the implementation of the three revolutions to be established and used for demonstration lectures for the team members, and for the Three-Revolution Exhibition to be constructed and visited by all the team members from all parts of the country."Henrymyman (talk) 23:30, 12 October 2021 (UTC)


 * Hi - I'll take a look, must have missed that. Please feel free to add the latter as a source when you can, I've just finished the review, and I'll see if I can verify it. LivelyRatification (talk) 23:35, 12 October 2021 (UTC)


 * For the biography, I can't seem to find a template to cite books on wikinews. I've tried what works on wikipedia, but that doesn't seem to do the trick. Do you know another way I could cite it? Henrymyman (talk) 23:38, 12 October 2021 (UTC)


 * Maybe Template:Cite journal? --LivelyRatification (talk) 23:45, 12 October 2021 (UTC)


 * I'll try that. I also have a google drive link to the PDF of this book; could this be featured as a source in case the journal template doesn't? Henrymyman (talk) 23:47, 12 October 2021 (UTC)
 * A link to Google Books or something like that would probably be preferable, though granted I'm not awfully familiar with the standard for citing literature. LivelyRatification (talk) 23:48, 12 October 2021 (UTC)
 * I've added the source with all the information I could add. Please refer to the top of page 109 for the verification. Henrymyman (talk) 23:55, 12 October 2021 (UTC)
 * Unfortunately I don't think the Google Drive will be sufficient for verification. I don't really have any doubts personally that the quote is accurate, but I'd like to err on the side of caution here to avoid an issue arising. LivelyRatification (talk) 00:10, 13 October 2021 (UTC)
 * I have another link; this one from a North Korean website. It's the same book, but hosted on the publishing house's website. Here is the link to the website:
 * http://www.korean-books.com.kp/en/search/?page=all&keyword=kim%20jong%20il%20biography%202
 * and here is the link to the PDF
 * http://www.korean-books.com.kp/KBMbooks/en/book/politics/4023.pdf
 * Henrymyman (talk) 00:14, 13 October 2021 (UTC)
 * Thanks for finding that! This should definitely be sufficient. LivelyRatification (talk) 00:17, 13 October 2021 (UTC)

Passive voice
The article was written largely in the passive voice - we should avoid this as much as we can. For me, this topic, presented in the passive, has rather a propagandistic tone. Too bad that the weapons exhibition itself was not covered in the sources (in English) - it would deserve more than one sentence. The YouTube video was an interesting watch, I was not aware that they post to YouTube. - Xbspiro (talk) 04:22, 13 October 2021 (UTC)


 * Sorry for replying late. What do you mean by the passive voice? I tried reading definitions and examples relating to it, but still don't understand what it is. Please know that French is my first language and I haven't had much of a chance to practice my English in the last months. For the propagandistic tone, please be assured that it was not the wanted result; however, I don't see how it could be viewed this way. Could you tell me what parts you think were propagandistic? Lastly, the Youtube channel cited is not official; it is a reposting of a KCTV news clip. Henrymyman (talk) 20:25, 13 October 2021 (UTC)


 * The style guide covers this under Headlines/Use active voice. Basically write "somebody did something" rather than "something was done by somebody".


 * Try to contract wherever possible:
 * "could also be spotted in the crowd of officers" → "were also present" → "were also there" (say the things openly)
 * the attendee list can be stuffed into one sentence, since you do not talk about any of them later on (if you were, that person might get a separate sentence/paragraph)
 * the location is important, but who built it is not in this context (the lede is a collection of the most important facts, but you may elaborate on the venue in the closing paragraph)
 * "proceeded with a short musical display" → "performed" (you name them, and an orchestra performs a musical display by its nature)
 * "merited officials, scientists and technicians in the national defence industrial field." → "invited defence industry personnel" (this was an invitation-only event)
 * " A squadron of fighter pilots flew over the exhibition grounds, with coloured smoke being released from the jets to display the colours of the North Korean flag." → "A flypast closed the outdoor sequence, rendering the colours of the North Korean flag with smoke on the sky." (highlight closures so that your next sentence can be more concise, and does not have to start with "after" or "followed by")


 * The article's propagandistic tone came from three things:
 * it mirrored the passive voice of this source. Try to use active voice to describe an event flow. The Youtube video can be a good source, if you wish to distance yourself from the official description: watch it and make notes instead of borrowing.
 * it describes the story only from the North Korean POV. Add a reaction from the other side, and in the closing paragraph mention a few events that could have led to the event, but do not say that they led to it (do not imply causality directly, unless you are really-really sure). A joint task force exercise, the launch of a new South Korean sub, rocket tests on both sides - these all happened within just three months. You might mention the Korean War as well, albeit briefly. Provide a context.
 * it cited from the Kim speech in a peculiar way. If war deterrence is the argument of both sides, and even Kim mentions it, mention it yourself. Concentrate on lines that address the present situation. Cut the recurring themes which address the internal population in their standard way, but add nothing new to the picture.


 * That's the way I see it, your mileage may vary. - Xbspiro (talk) 22:47, 13 October 2021 (UTC)


 * I see now. Thanks for clarifying. Henrymyman (talk) 23:27, 13 October 2021 (UTC)


 * Thank you for asking: it shows that you care. - Xbspiro (talk) 06:53, 20 October 2021 (UTC)