Talk:Three cities submit bids for 2020 Summer Olympics

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Laura, I've mentioned some of these points in IRC, but I thought I should put them on the record on wiki. I didn't want to wade in and edit while you are still writing.


 * "The host city will be named in September of this year". Do we need "of this year"?
 * Second para could do with the words "The cities of" at the beginning.
 * Say what 'Inside the Games' is. People who aren't familiar with the Olympics won't know what it is.
 * "Tokyo's bid delegation included a member of the women's FIFA World Cup champions Homare Sawa, 2008 Summer Paralympics swimming gold medalist Takayuki Suzuki, President of Tokyo 2020 and Japanese Olympic Committee Tsunekazu Takeda, bid chief executive Masato Mizuno, senior director for planning for sports at Tokyo 2020 Katsura Enyo and a member of the Executive Board for Tokyo's bid Yasuhiro Nakamori." → This looks like it's just been copied and pasted in. It's sort of just an infodump. You may wish to omit it and mention who the people are when you quote them. From the perspective of the reader, it isn't that surprising that the President of the Japanese Olympic Committee is at a meeting of the IOC in Switzerland.
 * From the quote from Hasan Arat: "today we are submitting a brand new and dramatically enhanced Games concept". That's sort of tempting to know what that is.
 * "Madrid's bid comes at a time when the Spanish economy is in the middle of a second recession, unemployment hovers around 25 per cent and on the heels of two previous failed bids." → You dangle this in front of us: the prospect that the reception of the Madrid bid may be affected by previous failed bids and issues with the Spanish economy, but don't expand it. Instead we get another infodump of names. I have to wait until I've ploughed through all that until I get to "The bid organizers believe that the Games could serve as an economic driver for the country", followed by the quote from Ana Botella.
 * From the quote from Hasan Arat: "today we are submitting a brand new and dramatically enhanced Games concept". That's sort of tempting to know what that is.
 * "Madrid's bid comes at a time when the Spanish economy is in the middle of a second recession, unemployment hovers around 25 per cent and on the heels of two previous failed bids." → You dangle this in front of us: the prospect that the reception of the Madrid bid may be affected by previous failed bids and issues with the Spanish economy, but don't expand it. Instead we get another infodump of names. I have to wait until I've ploughed through all that until I get to "The bid organizers believe that the Games could serve as an economic driver for the country", followed by the quote from Ana Botella.

Hope that helps. As I said, I'll probably be incapacitated for a day or so: good luck with review. —Tom Morris (talk) 13:48, 8 January 2013 (UTC)