User talk:Langley16

-- Wikinews Welcome (talk) 03:19, 8 August 2019 (UTC)

Drinking Water Seller as a Candidate for Mayor of South Tangerang
Hi. I recommend reading page Pillars of writing, which is a compact overview of our goals for each article. Then, there's a good tutorial on writing a first article here at Writing an article.

I've written a set of review comments on the article you submitted, here. --Pi zero (talk) 05:49, 19 September 2019 (UTC)


 * Hi. I'd really hoped to get back to you on this on Thursday; alas, I was unable to keep to that schedule.  I can offer you some insights from this article into writing articles for English Wikinews.  This particular article would likely need to be refocused now, because the focal event you started with is aging, but, more about that below.
 * As the article now stands, I understand the focal event is this person's registering himself as a candidate for mayor, which happened on Tuesday. You would want to mention in the lede that this happened on Tuesday.  The lede should answer, in very few words, as many of the five Ws and an H about the focal event as can reasonably be done; "when" is one of the five Ws, and should be possible to answer in about two words ("on Tuesday") so it can reasonably be done.  A  is that if the lede doesn't contain a "day" word &mdash;either "today", "yesterday", or the name of a day of the week (such as "Tuesday")&mdash; there's probably something missing from it.
 * Tuesday is now a bit long ago for our freshness criterion; this is part of why I'm especially frustrated that I wasn't able to get back to you sooner. It may be possible to produce an article about a later event in the same story, if such an event becomes available; this might be done either by altering the current article or by writing a new article .  It's important, in news writing, to be willing to try one's best with one article (or, one version of the article) and then, whatever happens with that one, move on to the next.
 * The lede should also explain, for our general international audience, what the significance of the focal event is: what about it is most important?  I'm unsure, in this case.  It is significant, at least locally, that somebody is running for mayor, but in this case we're reporting that one particular person is running for mayor; why are we reporting about this one person, instead of &mdash;just for example&mdash; reporting about the whole mayoral contest?  Is it simply that this person is the most recent to declare candidacy, or is there more to it?  The source articles are reporting about this one person, too; are those sources also reporting about all the other candidates, or is there something about this particular person that is causing them to report about him especially?  I feel uncertainty about this, when I read the lede of our article; and I shouldn't come away from reading the lede feeling uncertain.  Is it to do with his connection to the lower classes?  Keep in mind, our audience is international, and don't necessarily have local knowledge of Indonesian society.
 * About the phrase in the lede that says he "is determined to advance in the contestation in the election".
 * We don't report as fact what somebody is thinking; we can't directly see what anyone else thinks, after all, only what they say and do. So we report that someone says they are determined to so something, or the like.  This happens again later in the article, where his intentions are reported as fact instead of as things he said.
 * I'm unsure of the sense of this phrase. It's not an  I'm familiar with.  Is this meant simply to be a way of saying he decided to run for mayor, or is there a further point here about his intent in doing so?
 * The phrase at the start of the second paragraph, "Launch from and ", I think is meant to say those are the sources of information; afaik this is not a way to say that in English (perhaps it is a close translation of a Bahasa Indonesia expression?).  One might say "According to CNN Indonesia and Kompas.com", or, since that's giving rather a lot of credit to two different specific sources, one might say "According to reports", or even "Reportedly".
 * I adjusted the headline a bit (along with some other edits).
 * --Pi zero (talk) 15:11, 21 September 2019 (UTC)